How to Build Community: Start by Paying Attention
How do you build community and turn strangers into friends? Start small. Pay attention, remember the little things, give first, and don’t keep score.
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How to Give Meaningful Praise (Even If It Doesn't Come Naturally)
I made one of my employees cry the other day.
In a good way.
Belky, who runs production at my catering business, had made a decision about how to cook our turkeys. She could have taken a shortcut, but she didn't. She did it the right way, even though it meant more work.
I noticed.
And instead of simply saying, "Good job," I told her exactly what I appreciated. That she'd made the right decision. That she'd protected the quality of our food. That I trusted her judgment.
She started crying.
I wasn't expecting that.
But I've been thinking about it ever since.
Why Learning to Give Praise Was Hard for Me
Here's something I've had to learn about myself: I'm pretty good at noticing what people do wrong.
It's practically a superpower.
I can walk into my business and spot six things that need fixing before I've finished my coffee.
For a long time, I thought that was part of being a good leader. See the problems. Correct the problems. Make things better.
And to some extent, it is.
But there's a downside to being the guy who always notices what's wrong.
People start expecting criticism, even when they're doing a hundred things right.
So I've had to work on another skill.
Noticing what's good.
And more importantly, saying it out loud.
At first, it was something I practiced deliberately. I'd make a point of recognizing someone for doing something well.
Over time, it became more natural.
Now I might actually overdo it.
Sometimes I wonder if people think, What's this guy trying to get out of me?
Nothing, I swear.
I've just discovered that telling people what I appreciate about them feels pretty damn good.
Why Specific Praise Is More Meaningful Than "Good Job"
There's a big difference between telling someone they're great and telling them why they're great.
"You're an amazing employee" is nice.
But "I saw that you could have taken the easy way out, and you chose to do the right thing because you care about our customers" means something different.
It tells someone you were paying attention.
You saw the decision they made when nobody was necessarily watching.
And you understood why it mattered.
I think that's what happened with Belky.
She wasn't looking for applause. She was doing her job.
But someone noticed.
And sometimes that's all people need.
How to Give Meaningful Praise in Three Simple Steps
I've found that meaningful praise doesn't have to be complicated. There are really three things to it.
1. Notice something specific.
Not just that someone did a good job, but what they actually did. Maybe they showed patience when they could have gotten frustrated. Maybe they helped someone without being asked. Maybe they made a difficult decision.
2. Tell them why it mattered.
Explain what their action meant to you or someone else.
3. Actually say it.
This is probably the hardest part.
We have nice thoughts about people all the time. We admire their kindness, their work ethic, their character.
And then we keep those thoughts to ourselves.
Why?
What are we saving them for?
The Power of Telling People What They Mean to You
A while back, after someone close to our family died, I was talking with my mom about something I've come to believe.
We should tell people what they mean to us while they're still around to hear it.
Not at their funeral.
Not in a sympathy card to their family.
Now.
My mom took that idea and ran with it.
She got together with three women in her life—Sue, Michelle, and Casey—and told each of them something specific.
She told Sue that she was her golden friend. Someone who had always been there for her.
She told Michelle that despite the difficulties she'd faced, she had a remarkable ability to make other people feel better.
And she told Casey how proud she was of the wonderful mother and wife she'd become.
Three women.
Three conversations.
Three people in tears.
My mom called afterward to tell me what had happened.
And to thank me.
I wasn't there for any of it. I didn't hear the words or see the tears.
But I loved knowing that it happened.
All because someone decided to say something she'd probably been thinking for years.
Meaningful Praise Starts With Paying Attention
I'm still a critical person.
I still walk into my business and notice the six things that need fixing.
But I've gotten better at noticing the seventh thing.
The thing someone did right.
The decision they made. The kindness they showed. The effort nobody asked them to make.
And I've learned not to keep that observation to myself.
It's made me a better leader. I think it's made me a better husband and father, too.
But something else happened that I didn't expect.
I've become happier doing it.
I started practicing praise because I thought it would be good for other people.
Turns out, learning to see the good in people has been pretty good for me, too.
Don't wait until someone's gone to tell them what you've always seen in them.
“Know what’s enough. Build what matters.”
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