Hydration Hysteria: When Did Water Become a Lifestyle?

Happy Sunday! I thought it would be fun to try a little experiment today. The other day, I was talking with a friend about how kids never used to drink water growing up—just straight-up lived off soda, Kool-Aid, and whatever mystery juice was in the fridge. It got me thinking... how would Bill Burr riff on this?

Alright, let me get this out of the way—I’m a Gen Xer. That’s my cultural lens, that’s the filter I view the world through. And from where I’m sitting, I gotta ask… when the hell did everyone become so obsessed with water?!

I mean, I can’t go anywhere without seeing people lugging around these ridiculous gallon-sized emotional-support water bottles. You’d think they were trekking across the Sahara, but no, they’re just walking their dog around the block! My kids are in on it too—always dragging around their Hydro Flasks like their life depends on it. Every time I turn around, someone’s unscrewing a bottle cap like they’re about to drink from the Fountain of Youth.

And I’m just sitting here thinking… what the hell did we do as kids?! I’ll tell you what we did—we never drank water. Ever. That was not a thing! Nobody had a water bottle. Hydration wasn’t even on our radar. If we got thirsty, we just powered through it like little warriors. My beverage of choice? Tang, Kool-Aid, and the nectar of the gods—RC Cola. And if we were feeling fancy? Sweet tea. I’m talking real sweet tea, not this weak, watered-down nonsense they serve in coffee shops today. I mean, if your spoon didn’t stand up straight in the glass, you were doing it wrong!

The only time we drank water was when we were forced to—like when we were dying of heat exhaustion after running around the neighborhood for eight straight hours. And even then, it was a last resort. You’d make your way to the one sketchy water fountain at school, right? And that was a whole situation. You had to lean in just enough to avoid full contact, because there was always some kid who got way too intimate with it. Just lips on the spout like they were making out with it. And God forbid you were the next kid in line—you had a choice to make: risk dehydration or play Russian Roulette with mouth herpes.

And now, because I’ve been brainwashed by modern parenting trends, I’m walking around like a hydration coach for my kids. “Make sure your pee is clear! If it’s yellow, drink more water!” What kind of nonsense is that?! We had nuclear pee growing up. That stuff came out looking like highlighter fluid. Straight-up Mountain Dew! If you aimed it just right, you could melt the urinal cake on impact. We thought that was normal! And yet, somehow, we survived.

But no, now it’s all about electrolytes, hydration goals, and reminding yourself to drink water like it’s a full-time job. Meanwhile, Gen X is over here, still running on decades of sugar, artificial dyes, and pure grit. And I gotta say… we turned out just fine.

Sort of.