How to Teach Kids to Focus on What They Can Control: The Two Circles
A frustrating baseball game led to a simple lesson for my son: how to focus on what he can control and let go of what he can’t.
Should Parents Coach From the Stands? Let the Coach Coach
At a youth baseball game, I watched a dad coach his son after every pitch. The boy kept looking at him instead of playing. It reminded me why parents need to stop coaching from the sidelines—and let their kids fail, learn, and grow.
Should Parents Coach From the Stands? Let the Coach Coach
I was coaching a youth baseball game when one of our pitchers started struggling.
After every pitch, his dad had something for him.
“Finish your pitch!”
“Stay on top!”
“Use your legs!”
“Throw strikes!”
The kid would throw a pitch, then look toward the stands.
Throw another pitch. Look toward the stands.
Meanwhile, I was standing in the dugout trying to coach him.
Finally, I walked over to his dad.
“Hey, I need you to stop coaching him.”
I wasn’t trying to be a jerk. I understood exactly why he was doing it. His son was struggling, he knew baseball, and he wanted to help.
But he wasn’t helping.
His son was no longer pitching to the batter.
He was pitching to his dad.
Should Parents Coach From the Stands?
No matter how much baseball you know, coaching from the stands usually gives your kid one more voice to process at exactly the moment when they need fewer voices.
Think about what that pitcher was trying to do.
He had to know the count. Read the sign. Think about the hitter. Control the running game. Execute a pitch. Respond to whatever happened next.
Then we added Dad.
Now, after every pitch, he also had to figure out what his father thought about it.
That's a lot for a kid.
And sometimes the instruction coming from the stands isn't even the same thing the coach is teaching.
Dad says one thing. Coach says another.
Who is the kid supposed to listen to?
The Simplest Test for Parents
I've coached youth baseball for years, and I've come to believe there's a very easy way to tell whether you're doing too much from the stands:
During the game, is your child constantly looking at you for coaching?
If so, you're probably doing too much.
Kids should be looking at the field.
They should be looking at their coaches.
More importantly, they should be learning to figure some things out themselves.
That's part of playing.
A ground ball gets hit to you and you have to make a decision. A pitcher throws you a curveball and you have to adjust. You make an error and have to get ready for the next pitch.
Mom and Dad can't make those decisions for you from behind the fence.
What Parents Should Do Instead of Coaching From the Stands
I've settled on a pretty simple philosophy with my own kids:
Coach hard at practice. Support during games.
If we're at the field working together, I'll coach.
We'll talk about footwork. We'll work on different arm slots. We'll hit ground balls. We'll discuss situations. I'll stop something and explain what I saw.
That's practice.
A game is different.
Once the game starts, the kid needs to play.
So from the stands, cheer.
Clap when they do something well.
Encourage the team.
Enjoy watching your kid compete.
And when something goes wrong, let them work through it.
If there's something you really want to talk about, remember it. Work on it tomorrow. You don't have to fix everything in real time.
Why Coaching From the Sidelines Can Backfire
One of the great things about youth sports is that eventually kids have to operate without us.
That's difficult for parents.
We spend so much of their lives protecting them, teaching them and correcting them that it's natural to keep doing it when they step onto a baseball field.
But the field can be one of the places where we deliberately give some of that control back.
Let them make the wrong throw.
Let them swing at the bad pitch.
Let them forget how many outs there are.
Then let their coach coach them.
And let them learn.
I've written before about why we left a travel baseball team when I felt my son wasn't getting the opportunities he needed to develop. I absolutely believe parents should advocate for their kids when something isn't right.
But advocating for your child and coaching every pitch from the stands aren't the same thing.
Sometimes being a good sports parent means speaking up.
Sometimes it means shutting up.
Let Them Play
That dad stopped giving instructions.
His son stopped looking into the stands after every pitch.
And he went back to pitching.
That's really all I wanted.
Not because parents don't know anything about baseball. Some know a lot.
Not because parents shouldn't help their kids improve. They should.
But there's a time for teaching and a time for watching.
When your kid steps between those lines, give them the chance to own the game.
You don't have to help them play every pitch. Sometimes the best thing you can give them is the space to play without you.
“Know what’s enough. Build what matters.”
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